So, I'm writing about genderqueer trans people and non-heterosexualities. If I were a reader, I would personally question the credibility of anyone writing about anything LGBTQ until knowing more about the author, because I have read some works that tried to represent in a positive manner but were unable to accurately do so because they did not personally know how the genders/ sexualities they were trying to write worked. These writers meant the best, but I was not 100% satisfied with the representation.
I am agender, demipansexual, and panromantic. Being agender means that I do not identify as ANY gender. I am not any gender in particular. I just exist. Demipansexuality is a sub-category of demisexuality. Demisexuality is when you are attracted to someone after forming a deep bond. If I haven't known someone for at least six months and am not romantically attracted to them, I will not be sexually attracted to them. I may see them as hot, and enjoy Imagining having sex with them, but when It becomes something that could realistically happen and I think about it in terms of "Do I Want This Person Inside Of Me", it doesn't sound so appealing. "Pan", of course, is short for pansexual. I have been attracted to a few people in my whole life with a sex drive (about 4 years), and they have been all over the place gender wise. Being panromantic means I'm romantically attracted to every gender (which of course is proving true as well).
Although I would like to be androgynous, I am currently presenting fem (bleh) because I am not out to my family. This means I can't order a binder or get a "lesbian hair cut" as my mom so eloquently refers to undercuts and short hair in general. This has led to bouts of extreme dysphoria and an almost absolute inability to do anything about it. I also have a very hard time with pronouns (even binary pronouns) because of how I phrase things in my head*, so it would not be right of me to ask for people to change the pronouns they refer to me to when I can't seem to remember their pronouns ever in general. Maybe, someday I will be able to start using gender neutral pronouns ( the minute I can actually refer to someone correctly without accidentally misgendering them I will assume new pronouns).
I started brainstorming Aerin because I want their body shape, their androgyny. I began developing them because I want representation. I came up with Wren upon the realization that my Perfect androgynous ideal wasn't the only group in need of representation. There are always, of course, groups in need of representation. I think that's really something more writers should think about. And talk about, and write about. I mean, what are we supposed to write about besides stuff that means something to us? My identity and my need for the ability to exhibit my pride, which is repressed and only exhausted through my writing on the internet, are the most important things to me . These are things I want people to know about, to acknowledge. I also want people who don't feel represented to see that they can represent themselves and they should in any way possible.
Outside of my home, during the school year, I'm as loud and proud of my sexuality and gender as anyone else. Around my mom and her passive aggressive transphobia and homophobia, I was unable to do things like this, putting all my time toward unbridled self expression and pursuing my happiness. Since my mom has left me here with my sister ( who I am out to, to an extent, and who is incredibly accepting and loving and wants me teach my nephew about such things), I have felt more freedom than I ever felt when she was here. I'm going to visit my mom in a few days, and though I'm going to have to get back in the closet after I've spent the past few months being out, I'm hoping that the freedom and hope I feel for my future here doesn't go away while I'm there. I may be leaving my home and my laptop, but I can't leave the person I've become and my mom and her quiet hatefulness will no longer hurt me. My mother is a good person. She, out of the kindness of her heart, adopted three out of seven siblings from a turbulent, abusive home. She is, however, unlucky; a woman raised in a pentecostal church in southern missouri in the '50s managed to adopt a queer autistic mexican mixed child with PTSD. The combination of our personalities has not turned out well. <3 SJ
*My autism causes my vocabulary and sentence structure to get all jumbled up in my head. Most of the time I just refer to people by name instead of pronoun in my head "The Dorian", "The Hannah". It causes communication issues and pronoun problems but I always catch myself and am very disappointed when I misgender someone. Sometimes more upset than the person I misgendered.
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